Friday, December 30, 2011

Jesus Loved Me (Update: Spit or swallow?)

"Therefore God has mercy on whom he wants to have mercy, and he hardens whom he wants to harden."       - Romans 9:18

Well, be that as it may, as the fox said in one of the fables. Monotheism is a peculiar form of religiosity: asceticism, mortification, sublimation - call it how you like - always part of the package tour on the Road to Redemption. It's more like medicine, really, whereas those saucy Hindu deities with all those arms and fingers always enjoyed a good romp without worrying much about redeeming anything. 

Either way, religious practice is always closely connected with sexual practice - sex is a vehicle to the divine, or it's a stumbling block and a fleshly snare. Paul was more than a little stingy with his recommendations. "But if they cannot contain, let them marry," he groused. "For it is better to marry than to burn." Hardly an endorsement of holy matrimony, take it how you will.

"When we're finished here, I'm gonna go get laid."

"Enter the religious sex-toy industry," crows the Daily Beast, "which . . . sells a range of sexual-pleasure products to the faithful. With the voice and disposition of a summer-camp director, Joy Wilson founded Book 22 a decade ago, when she had trouble 'getting her body to respond' . . . and her online search for remedies yielded scandalous imagery that offended more than it helped." (Turning up scandalous images in that sort of search only could surprise one of the elect.)  

There are a growing number of other online sex toy emporia for the faithful of every monotheistic stripe. Most of the merchandise is what you'd expect from any local porn shop - lubricants, edible gels, games, vibrators, various penis rings and nipple stimulators - standard, nondenominational fare with brand names like California Erotics (California being the current version of fin de siecle Paris). The models demonstrating this stuff are all young, hygienic and very white.

Nipple stimulator (the "St. Agatha" model)

Hookin' Up Holy offers military discounts ("Onward, Christian Soldiers!"); Intimacy of Eden swears its site is "Designed by Christian marriage counselors and mentors," which is a little like saying that your homeschooling math curriculum was designed by Christian mathematicians. Covenant Spice offers "Top-quality Christian sexual aids, Christian lingerie and Christian sex toys."

 Christian lingerie (mustache included)

The goods on offer are garden variety sexual aids - no condoms with Romans 9:18 embossed on them ("Rough Readers"), no vibrators that play "A Mighty Fortress Is Our God" when on full bore, and hardly a mention of spanking paraphernalia, though plenty of good topical advice on tap at Christian Nymphos.

 Admonitory foreplay

It occurs to me that scarcely anything aside from a brisk spanking could be more erotic to a devout Christian woman than her man in a Jesus mask - the bride of Christ, if you like. Better than a pirate, more contemporary than, say, Nebuchadnezzar or Artaxerxes.


The "Sexy Husband" costumes at Eden feature a leather "biker vest" (and model) right out of a gay haberdasher's catalog. It probably goes without saying that an evangelical sex shop doesn't trade in cardinal's regalia or other Vatican-inspired boudoir fashions - but what could be sexier than the trappings of ecclesiastical power, for God's sake? That red scapular could take a girl's breath away. The One True Church knew a thing or two about the erotic.
"Wanna play with my relic?"
Of course, nothing is more pleasant than a quiet evening at home. And nothing is more erotic than abject submission. Role playing can rekindle the amorous penchant for any couple - it's always a rush when you manage to revive the comatose.


But for my money the Hindus still take the palm over the monotheists when it comes to having a good time. Look at all those arms and fingers. She could slap me silly and walk all over me every day of the week. And twice on Sundays.



January 13: A recent reference here to a new book by evangelical Calvinist and sexual traditionalist Mark Driscoll which has raised hackles among co-religionists. Among other pronouncements, Driscoll insists that "A wife should keep herself 'sexually available' to her husband and, if she believes the Bible, better be giving him frequent blowjobs." Driscoll has delivered a sermon to his flock entitled “Sex, a Study of the Good Bits from Song of Solomon,” in which he interprets Song of Solomon 2:3 as referring to oral sex. “Men," intoned the manly dominie, "I am glad to report to you that . . . the wife performing oral sex on the husband is biblical . . . . So, serve them, love them well. It’s biblical. . . . ‘The fruit of her husband is sweet to her taste and she delights to be beneath him.’” 

No word as yet on whether the doctrinal palm goes to the Spitters or the Swallowers, though this seems better grounds than most for an impending Great Schism and a purge of the heterodox. Will we never rise above sectarian strife?

1 comment:

  1. Ha, you forgot these guys, it looks like this is a thing among certain christian groups...they make those other sites look like prudes! http://christianbed.com

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