Saturday, December 29, 2012

Shagging the Schnauzer

Rick Santorum, the feckless Senator and erstwhile presidential hopeful from the Great Commonwealth of Pennsyltucky, drew considerable fire in the campaign past for likening homosexual congress to "man on dog." He had to "walk it back" a bit, as they say in the media, the walkback distance contingent on whether he happened to be talking to the liberally-biased mainstream media or an unbiased Christian talk radio station. But perhaps there was an odd prescience in the deliverance, a quality of the idiot savant in that unguarded and otherwise telling mot injuste.

"Sure I've got a bone."

You see, what we didn't know at the time was that Germany had not yet outlawed zoophilia, the practice of having sex with animals. Following the lead of Santorum's revelatory analogy, the German government plans to ban zoophilia, which has been legal for nearly 45 years, as part of an amendment to the country's animal protection laws. Predictably in a godless European nation, the state faces a backlash from a vocal zoophilic community estimated to number over 100,000.

It's not just dog lovers, either, if I can still use that phrase. There must also be those zoophiles who bang the bonobo, bugger the border collie, boff the bulldog, boink the bunny, bone the bronc, cowboy the Clydesdale, jump the Jersey, poke the Peke, hump the Hereford, mount the mule . . . you get the idea.

 Just saying . . . 

The government takes the perfectly understandable position that using animals "for personal sexual activities or making them available to third parties for sexual activities [pimping the poodle?] and thereby forcing them to behave in ways that are inappropriate to their species" ought to be illegal. Illegal in precise terms: €25,000, or $32,400, which makes for a pretty expensive date considering it doesn't even buy the champagne.

"I can be a real bitch if it turns out this is just Cold Duck."

The disloyal opposition is up in arms. "We see animals as partners and not as a means of gratification. We don't force them to do anything," fumed Michael Kiok, chairman of ZETA (Zoophile Engagement for Tolerance and Information). Kiok insists that sex with pets isn't demeaning to the animals, and forces us to the considerable intellectual allowance that it's somehow "consensual" - that the object of affection makes it evident if it's not interested.

"People have tried to create the false impression that we hurt animals," said Kiok, who lives with an Alsatian named Cessie. He said he's had "special feelings" for animals since he was four or five, the fascination acquiring erotic elements while in his teens. One can only surmise that here is another case of a young person raised on an over-rich diet of Disney animal cartoons.

It can be argued pretty persuasively, contra the fervent pet owner, that the notion of consensual inter-species sex cannot possibly apply to animals, Cessie's evident compliance notwithstanding. Let's say you've got a horse in the stall or a lamb in your hip waders, with nowhere to go - does that mean they allowed it, they didn't mind, or they like you better now? Probably none of the above. (There's a gruesome passage in Jerzy Kozinski's novel, The Painted Bird, in which the young protagonist is handed an axe by the farmer for whom he works, and commanded to kill the man's sexual favorite, a large rabbit who had just scratched him painfully whilst in delicto.)

Kiok, who comes off as something of an expert in the Der Spiegel article, points out that sexual "partners" are likely to be dogs because they are common pets now, whereas in days of the old peasant economy, it used to be cows, horses, sheeps, goats and pigs.

"Hmmmm . . . ."

He criticizes the planned legal amendment because the farming industry sexually abuses animals in various ways of which the polite reader, should he or she still be reading, might prefer to remain unapprised. But Kiok mentions approvingly that, Germany's new policy notwithstanding, the practice "is still legal in Denmark." Well, one man's Percheron is another man's poison.

Fruit Danish

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