Saturday, May 14, 2011

Maleficent Design: The Inedible Small Dog

If ever there were a compelling argument against the notion that the world was created by a beneficent and wise deity, it is the small dog, that malignant evil invariably resident at a neighboring house, permitted to roam at will in back yards and alleyways, infinitely perturbable, excitable, irritable and shrill, a perpetual threat to the lower leg and the sole of a clean shoe.

If ever there were a compelling argument to demonstrate the whimsical and random nature of the evolutionary mechanism, it is the small dog, a genetic aberration of its nobler reptilian forebears, predating the origin of true mammals by untold aeons, the lot of them designated "dogs" only by deliberate misdirection, misplaced courtesy, prevarication, disingenuousness, subterfuge, sentimentality, naivete, conspiracy or ignorance. 

 Real dogs play with their food

Unlike the true dog, whose forebear is the wolf, these pseudo-canine incubi are merely lizards which have, by some terrible fluke of evolution, developed hair, preternaturally ill tempers and an awful capacity for noise. Neither in appearance, habit, manner, demeanor, mien, bearing, temperament, education, antecedents, cleanliness of mind nor nobility of spirit do they resemble the dog.

 "My daddy had scales."

They glow in the dark like devil spawn; they are not merely visible from outer space - pinpoints of purplish light like the fever blisters of a darkened planet - but audible as well.

Wherever they are found they demolish property values, foul lawns and sidewalks like geese on a golf course, lower the quality of life, set bad moral examples by their gluttony, impoliteness and intemperance, threaten the equanimity of adults and spread diabetes among children . . .

. . . whom they masquerade and imitate with impunity . . .

"Where's my allowance?"

The small dog is universally undesirable in any civilized neighborhood, the bane of dog owners everywhere, anathematized by breeders for its promiscuity and readiness to breed outside its own biological family.

"Is this a stickup or are you just glad to see me?"

Saving a few singular cases, the small dog bears no resemblance to any other known form of life, although like any rule, this one has its exceptions which serve only to prove it:

Peter Ustinov (extraterrestrial form)

Peter Ustinov (carbon-based form)

Cheap and Cheaper

And, just in case this class of biological miscreant should at last defy explanation by any standard and accepted evolutionary theory, there is of course the equally plausible possibility that aliens are responsible.

"Annihilo per riso" 

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry I've never left you a message. I have shared this piece with many of my compatriots. So today, I read that Google Reader will be no more as of 7/13. I've posted on Reddit and linked this piece, asking others to post the first thing they added to their Google Reader. I'll find another way to stalk your musings. Thanks for you brand of Absurdism.