Friday, June 3, 2011

The Devil at the DIA

"Fire is the Devil's only friend."  -  Don McLean, "American Pie"

 Oh, not again!

Living (as I do) within hailing distance of a large U.S. Army base, two Air Force bases, a major military academy and a semi-obsolete NORAD installation, I had thought that my demise, should it come from beyond these shores, would put a warmish thermonuclear period to an all too brief span of years, a fiery atomic punctuation mark at the end of a pleasant life sentence. To my horrified surprise, I have learned that it is my proximity to Denver International Airport that may cause eternal night to rain down upon my grizzled head - not at the hands of the Russians or the North Koreans, but from the very Hand that wields the Thunderbolt.

No, not him.

The Reverend William Tapley, a frequent face on YouTube productions and world-class nutter who assumes a Jungean gravitas as the "Third Eagle of the Apocalypse," has uncovered "phallic symbols" cryptically embedded at DIA. These symbols are unquestionably the work of Satan, who plays with more than just fire. But since Tapley provides no logical connection between phallic symbols and Satan, his argument evidently assumes that a) the phallus is undeniably principal among Satan's works, b) Satan's work is generally accomplished with that tool, and c) only Satan's acolytes employ it. (Quod erat demonstrandum.)

Tapley's mind is rich compost for his self-appointed role as penis-sniffer. The video that unmasks this conspiracy has went viral, as they say in Texas.

Exhibit A is a mural in the air terminal which Tapley has named "The Birth of the Antichrist," that depicts among other animals the great auk, extinct since the mid-nineteenth century. Its scientific name (Alca impennis, later changed to Penguinis impennis) is a boner to the reverend, the Latin nomenclature really a satanic snigger. The mural also depicts a naked woman in a red blouse and black slacks, presumably another of the Devil's works, as clothed women are the work of a benign Creator.

. . . this is actually the figure of a naked woman. And the crotch is formed by a bird form. But right opposite the woman is a penguin . . . . This sign on the penguin's cage constitutes a phallic symbol. It in fact represents the male genitalia.

Right opposite the woman are her clothes, as well. This is the offending mural:

The "crotch" of Tapley's dream is the bird in flight just to the left of Dick the Penguin . . .

 Exhibit A - Penguinus Impennis (Great Auk)

. . . which is in fact Dick the Great Auk, whose flipper-like wing, lacking flight feathers (pennae), rendered the bird flightless. 'Impennis' means 'without pennae'. (Neither 'Dick the Penguin' nor 'Dick the Great Auk' refer to well-known fraternity drinking games of the same name.)  

Please note that the Latin name for this bird includes the word 'impennis.' Now that is not accidental. The artist chose this bird for a reason . . . . The bird standing upright is phallic, the shape of the sign [a rectangle on the bird's cage] is phallic, and even the name is phallic.

Tapley's tendentious explanations invite one to surmise that a) his own penis is a blue rectangle similar to the sign on the bird's cage, and b) Tapley himself has never attempted to put a square peg in a round hole.

Exhibit B is Luis Jiminez's fiberglass mustang in the median of the Pena Boulevard airport approach.

 Exhibit B - Luis Jiminez's Blue Mustang

Many of the shapes on the horse's tail and mane are phallic shapes - and of course it is a masculine horse. 

Not that a 32-foot blue fiberglass stallion with eyeballs that glow red in the night is in particularly good taste. But whether "masculine" or equine, a stallion is a stallion, a Devil's Tool being standard issue. A phallus, particularly one in its usual location, is not a phallic symbol. Still, the horse has done the Devil's own work - Tapley notes with relish that in assembling the sculpture in his New Mexico studio, the sculptor was crushed when a section of the torso fell on him.

Exhibit C is a subtle matter, something the design team nearly got away with until Tapley uncovered their little game. An aerial view of the airport reveals, not only that the footprint is a swastika, but also . . .

. . . the outdoor baggage-handling area is in the shape of a phallus. . . . Up here, we see the testicle area, out here the phallus.

Exhibit C - DIA ('baggage handling area' at bottom)

Flanking the white building jutting to the south of the main terminal are two loop roads (the "testicle area") which feed into long, straight parallel roads off to the left at the bottom of the photo (the "phallus").

There's no doubt that the designers of this airport had something other in mind than making an efficient baggage area. . . . I think you can see what they're getting at.
We have known from infancy the wiles of Satan, but this is pushing the envelope even for that old traducer. And to think that he even enlisted our fellow mortals as his henchmen in this hellish scheme - a muralist, a sculptor, a team of airport designers - Hell's bells, even an extinct species of subarctic bird you'd probably never even heard of until now because it has the word 'penis' - well, 'pennis' - staring brazenly from its binomial nomenclature. Was the great Linnaeus, who named it 250 years ago, a party to this as well (in spite of being a somewhat casual orthographer)?

But for the rest of us innocents abroad, we can only thank . . . actually, I'm not certain who to thank for the Transportation Security Authority, but the TSA should require from now on that female passengers traveling through DIA be accompanied in the airport by male chaperones of a pure mind . . .

(Only looks like Larry Craig)

The TSA might further require that Denver staff the airport with castrati as insurance against any occult forces that may cause a woman's dress to wobble unaccountably (a TSA agent's hands not being officially an "occult force").

Baggage handler

Still, one might wonder, as did a student in my late friend Ed's literature class at the University of Denver, overheard as she was coming out of a classroom saying, "I know it's a phallic symbol, but a phallic symbol of what?" Is it a satanic conspiracy, an elaborate practical joke orchestrated over the centuries, or just the fevered dream of a poor superstitious sod who dreams, night after night, the same dream bearing the same promise:

Baggage handler

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