Have a Twinkie (You'll Feel Better)

“In Dr. Johnson’s famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer, I beg to submit that it is the first.”  —  Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary

And with all due respect to Mr. Bierce, I submit that the good doctor may have had it right the first time - the fraud's first refuge, in the United States at any rate, is to carp about the overreach and persecuting zeal of the government (generally pronounced 'gummint'). Either way, Bierce's gloss pays due deference to the fact that patriotism, like talk and Chinese binoculars, is cheap and easily come by. Take the Bible and the Constitution, wrap that hellish package in a flag, then put on yer cowboy hat and you've got the unabashed squinty-eyed humbuggery of Cliven Bundy.

There is a legerdemain practiced by the ultra-right in which some imaginary "exceptional nation" is cognitively divorced from its government, and the resulting gap permits any number of transgressions against the latter (real) institution in order to preserve the delusion of the (fictitious) former. By all the available evidence it appears that a deep hatred of government is a sine qua non for true love of country. I can't help but wonder how, say, Sennacherib of Assyria would have felt about such a refined sense of grievance among his own subjects.

"Here, hold this - it's your head."

Here's how it works: patriotism in the name of some delusional great nation is the refuge of scoundrels, fraudsters, hypocrites, PayPal scammers,and other assorted felons either currently members of Congress or lobbying said members. But the federal government - the actual institution, not the fraught imaginings of such cranks - is charged with protecting the citizenry against those same fraudsters and felons. Their hatred of "government" is only natural, since it is the very institution charged with insuring that they can't engage in the sorts of things they intend to engage in.

One unsavory case in point: James T. Reynolds, Sr., Tennessean, patriot, ex-husband of another felon and father of James, Jr., a third felon.

The New York Times and any number of other media outlets report today that four nonprofit cancer charities founded by Reynolds and operated by his extended family and associates, have been named in a fraud complaint (not a lawsuit, unfortunately) brought by the Federal Trade Commission in concert with attorneys general for the fifty states and District of Columbia. The Reynolds' operations are estimated to have netted them $187 million dollars in the brief span of four years from 2008 to 2012. You can read the details anywhere on the web, but what particularly caught my eye was this feeble attempt at exculpation by Reynolds Junior, CEO of the Arizona-based Breast Cancer Society.

The society settled before the complaint was filed, then promptly closed its doors. A statement on the society's website reads in part that "Charities - including some of the world's best-known and reputable organizations - are increasingly facing the scrutiny of government regulators. Unfortunately, as our operations expanded - all with the goal of serving more patients - the threat of litigation from our government increased as well."

"Our government" - nice touch that, offering us all - plain folk and wealthy frauds alike - common cause against the very institution charged with regulating practices like skimming 97 percent of every charitable dollar for personal use - cars, luxury cruises, college tuition and dating services - the remainder going to purchase "medical services" such as boxes of paper plates, plasticware and napkins, or childrens' toys (sent to an adult cancer patient), even boxes of Hostess Twinkies.

"Feeling better?"

I'm guessing that, "threat of litigation" aside, there is no more loyal patriot to be found than Reynolds Minor. He just hates the institution that threatens his livelihood with lawsuits, calls him out for what he is, and won't allow him his cut of the charitable pie any longer. Anyone could eat American Pie if the government would just step aside and let us patriots get about our business. And, though capitalism may be the economic system handed down to our Founders through providential foresight in grace abounding, the Reynoldses are not capitalists. Still, by their considerable enterprise, they have turned even cancer into a free market commodity, and taught us all how charity might trump capitalism as the shorter route to prosperity.

The money isn't there, in case you were hoping for a refund. But you can be certain the tax man didn't get any either.