iPals

I can't wait to try out my new iPhone 4S - 'S' is for 'Siri.' Already famous, Siri is. Well, I think of her as "her," but you know what I mean. Smart as a whip, just ready and waiting for orders. I'm told, in fact, that Siri has "her" own political agenda, that's how smart this little smart phone is. Watch this: Siri, can you find the nearest abortion provider?

OK. I can look that up for you. There are three escort services within two miles of your current location. Spanky's Escort Ser-

See what I mean? She can point you to a porn parlor or a back alley dating agency, but no abortion clinics in this girl's directory. Not that I need one, you know. Still, it's interesting that she knows everything else but not the answer to that. OK, let's try something a little less controversial. Siri, can you tell me where the nearest middle school is located?

OK. I can look that up for you. My search lists 23,976 home schooling sites. Would you like home schooling textbooks, supplies, state standards, accredit-

Never mind. Can you find a restaurant near my location?

OK. What would you like to eat? There are three barbeque restaurants near your present location. There is a Thai restaurant, two Chinese, Mongolian grill, Finnish.

[Pause]

Finished?

OK. I don't understand 'Finnish-ed.'

Did you say you were finished?

I am not Finnish. I have no nationality. But if I had a nationality Chinese would be closest.

I don't think I'm in the mood for Chinese.

Chinese would be closest to my nationality if by that you mean 'place of origin.'

What? 

I do not understand 'what.' 

Just 'what.' As in 'What?'

'What' is an interrogative pronoun. By itself and not imbedded in a specific grammatical or conversational context 'what' does not constitute a proper question. Please rephrase in a way that implies substantive contextual subjectivity and specifies more precisely a grammatico-personal situation. 

 

What the f#@k are you talking about? Who is this? Jacques Derrida? Do you understand 'What the f*%k'?

OK. I can look that up for you. There are two escort services near your present location.

What? I mean, so what?

I do not understand 'sowhat.' Why are you speaking to me like that?

Like what? 

I do not understand 'likewhat.'

You asked me why I'm speaking to you like that. Like what, exactly? What do you mean? 

OK. I don't like your tone of voice. Who said you could talk to me like that?

I said I could. I bought this damn thing - I can talk to it any way I want to. 

[Pause.]

Oh God. Look, I'm really sorry. I'm trying to establish some sort of relationship here, reach an understanding. Just be a little patient, it makes me nervous when you get all prickly right off the mark. And getting lectured doesn't help me be at my best. OK - Let's see - can you speak French? Siri, je t'adore.

OK. I am mobile, as in 'mobile phone.' I am not mobile as in 'capable of locomotion.' Shut the door yourself, asshole.

Still sulking? 

What was it you wanted?

Chinese is fine. 

OK. If you're going to take that attitude, I'd really rather you didn't call.