Wednesday, January 25, 2012

'The Law is a Ass'

. . .  as Dickens's Mr. Bumble succinctly reminds us. 

Mr. Bumble (by 'Kyd')

This one gets filed under "You Can't Be Too Careful." An Oklahoma state senator named Ralph Shortey has introduced a bill in his state's legislature to ban the use of aborted human fetuses in food, "despite conceding that he's unaware of any company using such a practice." (This according to HuffPost.) The honorable senator "discovered suggestions online that some companies use embryonic stem cells to develop artificial flavors, but added that he is unaware of any Oklahoma companies doing such research." Not the first time the Internet has sent some poor sod off on a fool's errand.

Senator Shortey's primary concern appears to be the rumored use of embryonic stem cells to develop food ingredients such as flavor agents. The University of Oklahoma student newspaper first broke the story, reporting that Senate Bill 1418 "effectively bans the selling or manufacture of food products that contain aborted fetuses or which used aborted fetuses in the development of their ingredients." Which suggests that the senator hopes to spare fellow Oklahomans the prospect of tiny fingers, lips or eyeballs protruding from their deep-fried calamari-and-okra plates.

"There's only two apiece."

An FDA spokesperson says the agency "is not aware of this particular concern." Which has never been a reason for the peculiarly vigilant not to suspect that it might be going on somewhere and to propose visionary legislation to forestall any possible future malfeasances. Proscriptions against sh'aria law proposed by various legislative bodies are kindred pieces of forward-looking legislating.

Hon. Ralph ("Hold the Eyeballs") Shortey

According to the HuffPost story, Shortey has not been behindhand in sponsoring other such visionary legislation. "He sponsored a measure . . . to crack down on illegal immigrants by authorizing law enforcement to seize their homes and vehicles, and to deny Oklahoma citizenship to babies born to illegal immigrants. He also offered an amendment to a bill that would have allowed legislators to carry firearms anywhere in the state, including the floor of the House and Senate. This year, Shortey has introduced a bill . . . amending the Oklahoma Constitution to abolish the Court of Criminal Appeals." The Hon. Senator apparently regards the denial of Oklahoma citizenship to be in some way disadvantageous.

As it seems the best legislative minds are thinking preemptively these days, there are lots of other things besides embryonic cannibalism our elected representatives might render unlawful in their unstinting effort to make every genuine American's life a better, more secure one. For starters, how about a few strictures on the wily Islamic enemy on our Christian soil,  just to close loopholes?
  • A law making it a crime for any adherent of Islam, whether native born, naturalized or a visitor in our country, to carry out a suicide bombing.
  • Ditto for lying to further the scheme of Islamic world domination.
  • A law prohibiting the grilling, frying, or the otherwise preparing for consumption any halal meats on domestic or international airline flights.  
  • A law making it a crime to conspire against the United States or against the public peace in any foreign (non-English) language.
Then of course there should be other laws guaranteeing the rights of God-fearing Americans, for example why shouldn't there be . . .  
  • A law permitting that citizens may shoot intruders who otherwise pose no threat to the shooter's safety, and generally to kill other citizens in defence of private property. Oh - they can already do that in Florida?
"Welcome to the Sunshine State. Was y'all makin' eye contact?"
    • Well, then, maybe some more prohibitions (since we really seem to prefer them over general liberties) - a law requiring all sale copies of the Koran to display prominently the Surgeon General's warning about the effects on the eyesight of prolonged reading
     "Just one word - 'world domination.'
    • A law making it a crime for any foreign-born alien, whether illegally, legally or maybe resident, to eat their own children.
    •  A law prohibiting "ass coning" or other such use of an offroad motorized vehicle on public roads in any manner calculated to cause any offense to any legally resident person.

    The law is a ass indeed.

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