Thursday, February 16, 2012

Shame on you, Jules Verne

Visionary legislation from the State of Oklahoma was recently documented here, in this instance a timely proscription on the introduction of human fetuses into our processed food supply. Given that we're talking about Oklahoma nothing is safely assumed, but presumably Captain Nemo, in Verne's "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea," could not be prosecuted in Oklahoma for serving up to his guests "my own recipe - sauté of unborn octopus." Has to be people's unborn people. So, no shame on Jules Verne. The proposal was withdrawn by its sponsor, State Sen. Ralph Shortey (R), to the evident relief of his fellow legislators, who anticipated Shortey's eventual assualt on the veal sector.

 (The mother, looking wistful, did not approve.)

Again from the Oklahoma legislature, a piece of visionary legislation. Constance Johnson (D.), state senator from Oklahoma's 48th legislative district, has proposed an amendment to the state's "personhood" bill (SB 1433). The original bill stipulates that "the unborn child at every stage of development (has) all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state." Whether these rights, privileges and immunities include license to operate a motor vehicle, voting, buying hard liquor, acquiring marriage, fishing, hunting or gun licenses, or eligibility for high school cheerleader tryouts, was not specified. Since it's Oklahoma, I'm guessing that at the very least, marriage and gun licenses are still on the table. Protection against unlawful search and seizure is guaranteed by the Constitution, so sonograms are still OK, if suspect (because the technology reveals the will of God before the sell-by date).

Senator Johnson's amendment to this bit of tomfoolery, written in her own fair hand, requires that "any action in which a man ejaculates or otherwise deposits semen anywhere but in a woman's vagina shall be interpreted and construed as an action against an unborn child." It's damnably hard of a woman living in a ranch-and-farm state to strike a blow against onanism and recreational bestiality, but here you have it. Read it and weep:

Her own fair hand

Chances are (as Johnny Mathis once sang) this bill would have saved the future careers of countless unborn persons and spared many a good Sooner State woman the onerous task of giving her taskmaster the fortnightly blow job. But Constance Johnson, like Ralph Shortey, withdrew her proposed legislation. The difference, of course, is that Constance Johnson has a rich sense of irony.

According to one blogger, "Another pro-choice legislator, Democrat Jim Wilson, attempted to add an amendment to the bill that would require the father of the child to be financially responsible for the woman's health care, housing, transportation, and nourishment while she was pregnant. The amendment failed . . . ."  More an accountant's sense of humor, but not bad when you consider how awfully dull, except for Contance Johnson, the job must be.

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