The Last Dictator (Who Is Not Gay)

Belarusian president Alexander Lukashenko addressed an accusation by Germany’s foreign minister that he was “Europe’s last dictator.” “Better to be a dictator than gay,” said Lukashenko.

                                                       -   Harper’s Magazine, “Findings,” March 12, 2012

I am Lukashenko. As you see, good looking fellow but not gay. Distinguished yes I would say. My faggot detractors in Washington and the rest of Europe call me last European dictator. And what is wrong with that, I am asking? Because I am not gay dictator, after all. I am as you can see simple dictator, man of ordinary tastes. Not like those European pansies.

I don't have nothing against the gay people. I just don't like very much. Not being gay myself, you understand. Especially that little German poofter, Westerwelle or whatever her name is. Sure, maybe I'm last dictator. Like he says. It's his problemski. Being dictator is being l'uomo premiero, top dog. Which means I'm a real guy. Not the only real guy in Belarus, because we don't have no gays I'm aware of here. Just the realest of the real guys. You see any gays here you let me know. Lukashenko.

Being dictator of course is of my own choosing. I make all decisions needing to make. Which means I'm not gay because the gays, they don't make no decisions. They just are whatever they happen to be, is can't help it. They say this. Whine, whine. So me, I decide I'm a dictator and look what. I'm a dictator. How can I be gay? Lukashenko is how you say straight shifter . . .  shooter.

You know, I like these dictator work. Best thing, dictators get to dress up. I always like Gadaffi's style may he rest in peace. That guy he knew how to dress up. Heels I'm not sure but dictator outfit was top shelf. Maybe the sunglasses a little gay but Lukashenko can fix.

And that Saddam what a guy. That guy knew how to decorate palace. Humble guy dictator like me, I could live well in one of Saddam's bathrooms. Is classy even for Belarus. Except little pump soaps is a little gay maybe.

Saddam, that guy knew a thing about lighting. In Belarus we have just overhead 10-watt fluorescent - no atmosphere to speak of, all the time snepp-crekkle-pop! No, give me a good chandellyair any day, like at chez Saddam. May he rest in peace.

Good thing about being dictator is motorcades. Better than taking walk. I can buy big American black sedan, then I give driver job to brother-in-law of late party opponent, and go out for driving with butch gang of motorcycle police. You thinking that's not gay, right? I think maybe you are beginning to understand Lukashenko.

No, I am last of European dictators.You don't find this guy out swanking around standing funny waving long silly hands in air like nancy piano player.

Not me Bub. I'm plan to keep on dictating, age gracefully looking great like Ricardo Montalban. Is he, right? Or is that Shah of Iran, not gay may he rest in peace?