Seeding the Electorate

What with the 21st century American demographic turning a deeper shade of pale tending to brown, the dwindling supply of old fat white people must increasingly rely on a special providence to preserve whatever upper hand they can wrest from the recalcitrant mob. A superior strategy is called for - if the democratic will doesn't in every case support your divinely apportioned ascendancy, then things will have to be better managed.

So Republican-led state houses and Republican attorneys general press for "voter fraud" safeguards to preserve the integrity of the electoral process from abuses which, as repeated statistical analysis shows, occur in negligible percentages - in about 0.0009 percent in an average election. States like Alabama now have a "Voter Fraud Unit" administered by the Secretary of State, where the conscientious citizen can report suspected cases. Still, it's a strategy of sorts - for the short term, at any rate, a stopgap to prevent voters making mistakes until a more permanent solution can be found.

 Average voter (photo ID)

I think the Republicans have found their long term insurance policy in the "personhood" plank of their 2012 campaign platform. "We support a human life amendment to the Constitution and endorse legislation to make clear that the Fourteenth Amendment's protections apply to unborn children." (The Fourteenth Amendment, as any streetcorner constitutional scholar can tell you, defines U. S. citizenship, insures due process and equal protection under the laws.)

 "Oh shit! A voter."

This personhood business may appear to the politically naive as just another sop to the Republican evangelical base. It has little chance (as yet) of becoming an amendment to the Constitution, such measures having been defeated in state elections in (for example) Mississippi, Missouri and Colorado (twice).  But these things have a way of changing, and with a little persistence from the political front, white people may come to recognize their best interests, if not their better lights.

Republican doctors, geneticists and creation scientists are all agreed that the discredited notion of the male "seed" as the progenitor of life is in fact a correct picture of how human reproduction occurs. The sperm is, as medieval medicos from Galen to Paracelsus surmised, a homunculus - a complete human being in miniature, with all the organs, appendages, faculties and capacities of its eventual maturity intact, if a bit dormant. It is a tiny person simply waiting to be stashed for safekeeping in any compliant or convenient womb. All that's needed is to wait until the little bugger grows large enough to hold a handgun. The loaf in the oven remains as apt a metaphor as ever. 

And from the moment of its origin it is miraculously endowed with a soul, which has merely been waiting in the wings on a little wooden folding chair in a reversal of Mormon hell, not to be baptized and shuttled off to paradise, but to be embodied in a registered voter and gun owner.

Your basic proto-Republican homunculus

A population of fertile women is to the GOP what a fish hatchery is to an angler. Countless homunculi will come to parturition under the Constitutional protections afforded by a forward thinking Republican party. Having once attained the age of reason, they will inevitably make the simple causal calculation that but for the GOP their very existence might have been a tenuous and brief affair. Left to marauding bands of Democratic abortion doctors unleashed on a doctrinally pure populace in some Hobbesean state of nature, democracy itself might have proven but a tender flower easily crushed. We just need to make certain the right people vote.

 "Someday I'll be a registered Republican."