Monday, August 13, 2012

The South Will Rise Again (Part 2)

The newly liberated South of the New Confederacy will overnight discover itself sovereign, unencumbered by federal highway funds; free of meddling strictures on the uses of a natural world intended by a far-sighted Creator to be subjugated; permitted to circumscribe by local jurisdiction such matters as civil rights, the limit and extent of suffrage, the nature of crime and the severity of punishment; free to define by constitutional amendment, in concert with fervent public prayer, the confines of citizenship, marriage, even personhood.

The South is already replete with cultural and educational destinations: Kentucky boasts the Creation Museum, where actual dioramas prove that humans played and coexisted with dinosaurs; while in Dallas, visit the Museum of Creation and Earth History, where you can actually visit a lifelike Garden of Eden and have everything pretty much laid out for you with modern science - no, sorry, make that modern signs . . .

 Garden of Eden

The Museum of the Confederacy boasts three sites in Virginia (hint: when visiting the museum, never refer to them as "Union soldiers" - say "Federals"); the Jefferson Davis Presidential Library, named, like the George W. Bush Presidential Library, for someone who was not actually elected to the office. And there's the "Worlds [sic] Famous Redneck Shop and KKK Museum" in Laurens, South Carolina, housed in an old movie theater that is owned, as it turns out, by a local black church, where 2008 presidential candidate and neo-Nazi John Taylor Bowles housed his campaign headquarters. There's the New South for you, progressive, ecumenical, and less than a century behind the times.

Meanwhile, in order to preserve this cultural birthright in the absence of a federal Department of Education, local communities and thousands of megachurches will not be behindhand in formulating their own educational guidelines and tailoring them to their specific local manias. (The Bob Jones University Press will prove a bottomless source of the finest reeducation materials. And best of all, it's already Southern.) The first matter of business will of necessity be - not the evisceration of the evil Darwin, which will have to take the back of this bus - but rather an extensive reeducation program in which the old, yet somehow freshly appealing, institution of slavery is reframed as Christian solicitude for our weaker brethren. From a textbook approved for use in Bobby Jindal's home state we learn that "A few slave holders were undeniably cruel. Examples of slaves beaten to death were not common, neither were they unknown. The majority of slave holders treated their slaves well." (United States History for Christian Schools, 2nd ed., Bob Jones University Press, 1991)

 "No, son, it isn't legal. But your Daddy's a tolerably kind man."

And what can the new citizens of the republic tell their young ones about the friendly faces at the Klan meeting? Well, "The Klan in some areas of the country tried to be a means of reform, fighting the decline in morality and using the symbol of the cross. Klan targets were bootleggers, wife-beaters, and immoral movies. In some communities it achieved a certain respectability as it worked with politicians." (United States History for Christian Schools, 3rd ed., Bob Jones University Press, 2001) Heretofore, I never thought it possible that "a certain respectability" could be used in any sentence in which "worked with politicians" also appears. But there you have it - and what do I know, after all?

 "Will y'all be to home this evenin'?"

As far as that pesky mathematics goes, ABeka Book assures teachers that "Unlike the 'modern math' theorists, who believe that mathematics is a creation of man and thus arbitrary and relative, A Beka Book teaches that the laws of mathematics are a creation of God and thus absolute…A Beka Book provides attractive, legible, and workable traditional mathematics texts that are not burdened with modern theories such as set theory." (  Those "funny numbers" elicited in support of Obamacare are another work of the Anti-Christ. The numbers God's Big Pencil came up with look like this:

I suspect the New Order of cultural isolationists resident in the Hookworm Belt will not be making a splash in international relations, nor be elevated to anyone's list of Preferred Trading Partners any time soon. Globalization may not be the answer for any but a committed capitalist, and it may for all I know be the devil's own work. But then who would believe in an actual Devil (if you see what I mean) if he keeps you out of the game entirely? As ABeka Book puts it so tersely: "[I]nstead of this world unification ushering in an age of prosperity and peace, as most globalists believe it will, it will be a time of unimaginable human suffering as recorded in God's Word. The Anti-christ will tightly regulate who may buy and sell." (Economics: Work and Prosperity in Christian Perspective, 2nd ed., A Beka Book, 1999) That old inside trader, I always knew he was no good.

 "Southern Methodist over Texas Christian by a field goal - and go big."

And while we're fixing things, it occurs to me that we're not using North Dakota or Alaska much. They could have them too.

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