Soon it will be another presidential birthday. Presidents' Days are at once national holidays and annual celebrations of varied presidential legends: of telling the truth (about the cherry tree), of serious miscalculation (trying to preserve any Union which includes Florida and Texas), of lying (about everything). This presidential birthday promises what we've all fervently prayed for - patriotic bunting obscuring the national guard patrolling the national capitol, with a festive cage fight on the lawn of the White House thrown in, presumably a contest among White-only 'professional' cage fighters.
To call it a cage fight among professionals is to seriously denigrate the notion of a profession and run the chance of deeply offending the practitioners of more honorable professions - bookies, internet grifters, bitcoin dealers, hedge fund managers, futures traders, commercial corrections executives, Wells Fargo mortgage officers, "health care industry" lobbyists, supplement manufacturers, "protection" sales personnel, chiropodists, meat packers, the clergy - "item longa, vita brevis."
Thus far the antagonists on the presidential slate are anonymous, but the situation invites our attention (and our invention). Herewith a slate of dream contenders for the presidential birthday wreath:
Donald "The Heart Attack" Trump v. Terry Gene "Hulk Hogan" Bollea
Don "Oil Slick" Trump Jr. v. Eric "Vanilla Wafer" Trump
J.D. "The Next Schismatic Pope" Vance v. Marco "Jerk Chicken" Rubio
Stephen "The Snake" Miller v. Stephen "The Blob" Bannon
Mike "The Missing Spine" Johnson v. Viktor "The Fixer" Orban
Jared "The Skeleton" Kushner v. Mohammed "The Butcher" bin Salman
Jeff "Muscledome" Bezos v. Mark "Curley" Zuckerberg
Pete "Islamic Iceman" Hegseth v. Benjamin "Bunker Bomb" Netanyahu
Steve "The Dealer" Witkoff v. Vlad "The Destroyer" Putin
In the current cast of grifters, mugs, bunko salesmen, card shavers, dice loaders, hangers-on and scrap-snufflers there are endless combinations. Feel free to post your own dream pair in the Comments.
