'Marmite on Toast'

One of [Romney's] advisers told Britain’s Daily Telegraph on Tuesday that Romney is better positioned than President Obama to foster a strong relationship with the U.K. because of his "Anglo-Saxon" connection to the country. "We are part of an Anglo-Saxon heritage, and he feels the relationship is special," the unnamed aide said of Romney. "The White House didn’t fully appreciate the shared history we have." One aide further insisted that Romney is "naturally more of an Atlanticist" than his opponent.

 Our Anglo-Saxon heritage on drugs

Romney for President, Inc. 

80 Hayden 

Lexington, MA  02421 

From: Matt Rhoades, Campaign Manager

To: All Staff

Well, it looks like someone here at 80 Hayden put his or her foot in it with the Daily Telegraph people. It's hard enough keeping Mr. Romney's foot in his Italian loafers and out of his mouth without you people jamming the bandwidth too. Speaking of Italian loafers, let's not use that line on the Vatican trip (note to self).

You know what those Brit reporters are like, I mean it's a tabloid culture for chrissake. You were barely off the Heathrow tarmac when this whole damn flap started, excuse my profanity but Jesus. You know who you are. I mean, couldn't you have just said that Mr. Romney loves Marmite on toast, or a bit of jam trifle after a strenuous chukkar of polo? Something a little less incendiary for want of a less polite word?

Frankly, I didn't see all the backlash coming, but it appears that this campaign is going to have to do some serious damage control on this "Anglo-Saxon" dustup. Fortunately I don't have to rely on you meatheads for a remedy. 

Just thinking out loud here. We fold a little side trip into this tour - arrange for Mr. Romney to make a diplomatic junket to Kenya (unofficial, of course), to include a meeting with their president or chief or tribal elder or head shaman or whatever. I'm not sure what sort of political system is in place there if any, so you'll need to research that. Anyway, the meeting with the head of state includes either a full-blown press conference or, maybe better, an informal meeting with reporters (and try to keep the Telegraph/Mail/Guardian/London Times people occupied with a wart hog hunt or some kind of "recreational opportunity" with the natives - locals, you know what I mean).

"What press conference?"

The speech will celebrate our shared heritage with the Kenyan people, the usual stuff - we elected one of their own as our leader, we have nothing but the highest regard for the rest of the Kenyan people and their culture, even though things haven't exactly worked out for us, something like that. Mr. Romney loves the national food and the music (for background can we get some CDs of . . .  what, drumming or something?) Or wait, those people like jazz, right? Maybe one of the local Mormon jazz bands playing local jazz. Is there Mormon jazz? I mean in Kenya? Anywhere?

Kenyan Mormon jazz band

We'd need a good back story on this, too. I'm thinking we have Mr. Romney try to visit Current Incumbent's birthplace. The story is that we're stonewalled by Kenyan officials at the highest levels, but at least it doesn't seem like we're just on the ground there to diss the CI - visiting the birthplace, trying to anyway - sort of like a tribute to Kenya's rich history or something, right?

Presidential birthplace (artist's conception)

I'm assuming here that most of the locals are towelheads, so we're going to have to manage the photo ops - there must be a few Christians in the country who wear regular hats or at least something  American-looking. No baseball caps if you can help it. The point being we don't want to portray Mr. Romney in the middle of a bunch of Kenyans in Muslim rags, so let's bring some appropriate headgear and maybe a couple of dark suits just in case they're scarce on the ground out there - wherever it is, Africa, I think. 

Which means we don't have to work the "Atlanticist" bit either since last time I looked Africa isn't even on the Atlantic. I think it's nearer the Caribbean. That's an island, not an ocean, by the way. Please someone, check out what ocean Africa is on but I'm pretty sure we don't have to mention the Atlantic. And please, one last time, don't anyone say Mr. Romney doesn't like the Atlantic. Just play it close to the chest - and keep him away from microphones.

 Our Anglo-Saxon heritage on toast