Sunday, July 22, 2012

One Blast Goodbye

"[Holy Smoke] offers a means to continue to protect your home and family even after you are gone, by turning ashes into fully-functioning bullets."  - Fox News

 Grandaddy (l.) and Grandma (r.)

The whole idea is so American that it must be, at least implicitly, one of our constitutional rights. (I would say "God-given constitutional rights" were it not axiomatic that the one always implies the other). Holy Smoke LLC, a company in Stockton, Alabama ("Celebrating life"), will load your rifle cartridges, skeet shot, shotgun shells and other assorted munitions with your loved one's ashes. The Final Sendoff, you might call it, except the Holy Smoke method allows you to do it again and again until the whole stash of ammo is gone and that deer in the highway department's yellow deer crossing sign has been freakin' obliterated.

It seems there are those vendors who perform this service in what can only be called a slipshod manner - I meant to say "half-cocked manner." The social commentators at Field & Stream recommend the Holy Smoke approach as a "much more attractive alternative," since "their predecessors would only load your remains into one shell, while the Holy Smoke guys will make a whole flat of ammunition with each shell containing a portion of your ashes. . . . How could you rest in peace if you were worrying that the person you trusted the one and only shell containing your ashes to might miss?" (Read "person to whom you entrusted . . . ")

 "What, me worry?"

Another blurb on the corporate website notes that "Holy Smoke already has a core target audience: people who love hunting and their right to bear arms." The notion of a "target audience" might not be entirely apt here were this not Alabama, where "target audience" means pretty much what it means. Whether the dead retain the right to bear arms is another question, though again, this being Alabama, probably not a serious second amendment hurdle unless you're a dead immigrant.

 The "Hefty" model

Another endorsement suggests in hushed tones that, "You want to plan your loved one’s final arrangements in a way that not only celebrate [sic] his or her life but also reflect [sic] that person’s passions and interests. Holy Smoke LLC can help you honor the deceased outdoors person with a unique memorial that commemorates his or her love for shooting sports." Now this is fine so long as "your loved one's" interests were guns. It doesn't work so well in, say, the world of motorsports or aerial stunt flying - loading a loved one down the gas tank could prove an uneconomical memorial.
Sitting quietly in a posthumous flat of ammo, one could always quietly enjoy the satisfaction of a safely retroactive revenge - on the federal government, for example . . . 

. . . or on your goddamned neighbor who's been asking for it for years . . .

As the good folks at Fox News remind us, we can stand our ground even after we're in it. And in its small, quiet way, Holy Smoke has given new meaning to the phrase "family plot."

No comments:

Post a Comment